Chosen Ones of Dead Sea Scrolls who fought against the Abnormal
by datfuni
Summary: Basically parody/Alternate Universe version of Neon Genesis Evangelion. Enjoy.
1. Prologue

A few years ago, when George Bush The Second argued with rocks and the EU separated to its money crisis and Greece was sold to Neo-Soviet Union, one Japanese-Finnish-American NERV organization developed the world's first multi-purpose working robot, called Angel. Angel was supposed to work with jobs the youth was not interested in, for example, cleaning the bathroom, replacing the knob of flag pole and being a singer for NightWish. The angel had a Swiss Workaholic's brain, so it couldn't ask increases in salary or vacation. The angel was found out to be useful and more of them were built. Just when NERV started to design Angel 2.0, who would be able to build Nokia mobile phones and adopt children from Middle-East, things went down in the ass

Galactic Conqueror called Big Bad, who hated Mankind for some reason, hacked into all the Angels in the world and started a rebellion against the humanity. Now the rescuers of labor shortage had become a dangerous army, which destroyed a large part of humanity. Angels were strong thanks to their humongous robots, which were built of metal, minerals, and dead people's body parts. And so, in 2015, the only non Angel-ruled areas of the world were the East Coast of U. S. and Japan, who used the NERV's new weapons Giant Robots called "Evangelions", as well as Finland, because there Angels were taken away by united power of Mikael Granlund, angry birds and Santa Claus.

But let's get back to America, where the NERV is fighting against his own creation with Evangelion-robots. The first EVAs were built as early as 2013, but they did not do anything but dance. First functioning Evangelion was built as early as 2014, but it was already too late because the robots had already taken over the half of the U.S. According to NERV the only way to stop the Big Bad and the angels is to destroy the machine that controls all the Angels nicknamed "Jesus." Big Bad's headquarters are located nearby New York so he would be able to send giant robots faster to attack NERV. NERV's defense was collapsing, and the organization wanted to build more Evangelion. The Evangelions, however, needed a pilot who could control the robot and give it commands. Being a pilot, however, was a dangerous task, and pilot couldn't be anyone but pilot had to be under 16 years old, because that young people had the best ability to control giant robots.

Even those young people do not have to be anybody else, and they were supposed to be the grandchildren of the people who Dead Sea Scrolls named. people mentioned in the Scrolls had once met the Big Bad, and there were six of them. Only one has been found, the other five are lost, and the NERV was afraid that some of these had died in the attacks by the angels. However, one day, just before the end of the time was knocking the door, another one was found.

This was the beginning of a Farce, whose name violated the copyrighta, so its code name is ...

**Chosen Ones of Dead Sea Scrolls who fought against the Abnormal, and that's another story**


	2. Chapter 1

CHAPTER 1  
A second child is found, but he isn't happy about it.

* * *

Commander Ikari, who stood beyond NERV's bridge with the soldiers, looked down how the Evangelion-000 got beaten by a Mike Tyson-resembling robot  
"Well then, it finally died." One of the soldiers commented.  
"Shut up, Svensson! "Commander Ikari shouted. "When our lazy underpaid librarians will find the descendants of the people named in Dead Sea Scrolls , we can finally make EVA-001 active!"  
"Forget about those losers!" hissing voice said from behind the Commander. "I found one already."  
"What? Who? "Commander Ikari marveled, and turned around, and he saw the man with long white beard sitting in a rocking chair. Ikari was amazed:  
"Father? What on earth are you doing here? Weren't you supposed to stay in Washington? "  
Eldery-man stroked his beard, and blurted out: "The food was bad, so I decided to come here. In fact, I came here two months ago, but all of you worthless scumps here are so busy that you don't notice me at all and I'm flying out of the window. Now, I've done research and found a pilot. "  
"But," Commander Ikari started. "Dead Sea Scrolls family history are behind the locked doors!"  
"Nah, I found him examining my own family tree." the old man said, and took up a huge book. "One of the people who once met with Big Bad was named Mannu Kurja. He moved from Denmark to Finland where he married with Idalmina Ruupana. Thus Heikki Mannunpoika Kurja was born. Well, When he grew up, he married a girl named Kristine. They had a daughter named Josefine Kurja. She moved to Japan and married to a landlord whose last name was Ikari. Does the church bells knock now? "  
Commander shook his head. The old man sighed and went on:  
"When Josefine married with the governor, and his surname was changed to Ikari, they had three sons, two of them later died in fratricidal wars. Only one son survived named Kayo Ikari, who married Kiyoko Tsukino and had a son named Raimo-Mauno. Raimo-Mauno moved to Finland during Winter war, but left because of a disability, when Raimo-Mauno got fine again war was already over, and Raimo-Mauno moved back to Japan where he married Masami E. Wakahisa and had a son named Yamato-Pertti. The question is, who is this Yamato-Pertti? "  
Ikari shook his head again, old man struck the Commander to the toes with the book and said, "It is I, you idiot! After that i went married and got you, and you got two sons. So in other words, your son is the chosen one! "  
"But which one of them ... oh god, oh my god, the other..." Ikari waved.  
"Yes, **the other one**." The old man said, and smoked his pipe.  
The commander sighed, opened the notification mic and spoke: "Dear employees of NERV. We have found the second chosen. As NERV's employees celebrated Commander Ikari marched to his office, took out his cell phone and looked for the right number:" It's been now ten years since I last saw him. I think he's pretty mad at me." Finally, the Commander Ikari found the correct number and called:" He... Hello? Commander Gendo Ikari here. I would just like to ask is Shinji there? What? Tell him that he needs to come to New York right now, yes, i'll get him the private plane. No, don't cry, It's not going to be a dramatic Father-and-Son meeting. Oh, and how is Kenta doing? Do not tell him that... What? Disputes? With Shinji? Life is a soap opera, so, goodbye. "Ikari ended the call and sighed deeply.

* * *

**The next day:**

* * *

It was a stupid Monday morning, JFK's airport was empty and dead, except for one plane. From there, about 14-15 years old boy came out, and he seemed quiet. A Purple car was waiting in front of the Aircraft. The boy stepped into the car, and saw the driver. It was some kind of a redneck guy who smoked a cigarette  
"You seem to be Zi...Si...Shinji? Pretty weird name, but yeah, I will not go into others' affairs.  
"Mmmmhh." Boy mumbled.  
Hat-Guy went on: "Let me introduce myself, I'm Missmister Jaywitch, my nickname is strange because I just can't remember which gender i was."  
"Mmmmhh." The Boy mumbled.  
"I think you're the son of Commander Gendo Ikari, heh, nice guy. Though a bit mysterious and nervous, but yeah, I will not go into others' affairs. "  
At this point, the boy was startled, "What? Gendo ... Ikari? My father? What the ... Why did he wanted me? "  
Hat-Guy spat, started the car and began to run towards the NERV's headquarters. "He can explain it himself. I work as a bridge consult for NERV, and I also hold a campus for the Chosen ones of Dead Sea Scrolls. It was good that you came, it's been pretty silent there since that other one had to be hospitalized. On the other hand, it does not change much, because she was quiet, in the same way you do. But,yeah, I will not go into others' affairs."  
Once they got into NERV's headquarters, Commander Gendo Ikari and a couple of other important-looking men stood in front of the door.  
"Greetings, Shinji. I am your father and the commander and founder of NERV, and a new Linus Torvalds. Do you remember me? I guess you saw me on the news few years ago, when I presented that new "Angel-robot". Unfortunately, Big Bad came and ruined everything. Anywho, you are going to be a part of an important task."  
Shinji stared at his father deeply before saying, "Wh... Why did you wanted me? And wh ... why ... Why did you left me? "  
Gendo sighed and said, "After your mother deceased i wanted to focus on my secret project, and I had no time to take care of you. Anyway, now we'll see again, and I would like to show you something. "  
But Shinji didn't move anywhere, his eyes were spilling tears. Gendo glanced at Missmister Jaywich behind, who was sitting with their fingers crossed and ready to get out, because he did not want to meddle in others' affairs. Gendo put his hands behind the back of Shinji and said, "Listen, I know that I was an idiot when I rejected you. I was an idiot when I didn't saved your mother in time. I was an idiot for that I was not good enough father to you. Suddenly a voice heard from the top shouted: "SAY THAT YOU ARE DIRECTLY A HITLER!"  
"Shut up, Father!" Gendo shouted back. "Pull yourself together, Shinji. I miss your mother very much. But please, pull yourself together and follow me."  
Shinji raised his head, he wiped his tears and followed his father.  
"Look, Shinji" Keijo said to his son when they got inside. "This, is my empire!"  
Shinji rubbed his eyes, and saw an enormous hall, filled with computer tables, equipment and scientists. Shinji then put his eye to the far end of the hall, where there was a giant robot, whose head was only visible. Suddenly things began to abound in Shinji's mind. "Father's empire, Angels, Big Bad, Fighting against the Angels, Invitation, Robot. The pieces are combined. So in other words, I have to go to that robot and sacrifice myself." Shinji started screaming and ran away. "Remember to come back for Christmas!" Shinji's grandfather shouted and laughed. "Shut up!" Gendo snapped and went after his son. Shinji ran with tears on his face, but his conscience knocked against: "I'm not supposed to leave the hill. I'm not supposed to leave the hill. I'm not supposed to leave the hill." Eventually, Shinji stopped and looked back, when his father ran along with two NERV soldiers after him. "Shinji, I know that you have low self-esteem. But do not leave the hill. Come, I'll show you something." Shinji followed bhis father, confused. They stopped in front of the window, but it was not any window, but a window of the room, which might be a hospital wing. However, Shinji's eyes first hit a girl who was lying on the bed, the girl had a short, light blue hair, and she was covered in bandages. She looked like dead.

"Shinji" Keijo began when he noticed that the Shinji stared her deeply. "This is Rei, the first chosen, her parents died on September Eleventh. Later one of the soldiers took her into custody, it was a coincidence that she was also related to the Dead Sea Scrolls-person. "  
Shinji didn't say anything, he just stared at the girl without blinking.  
"I know she looks like your mother. And that's why I know her well. She is very quiet and does not show too much emoticons. She crashed in a fight against Mike Tyson-angel and got some bad injuries. "  
"Is she ... de de ... dead?" Shinji asked.  
Gendo straightened his glasses and said, "No, she's just in a coma."  
Shinji turned to his father and asked, "What was this for?"  
Gendo watched Rei who was lying on the bed, and two doctors were bustling around her. "I was just wondering if you get into her. And Besides, she usually used "Leaving-The-Hill-Tactic", which broke the Evangelion.  
Shinji was trying to say something, but then the siren cut him off. "NEW ANGEL IS COMING! AND IT IS VERY UGLY!" Soldier screamed. "Well, son, your time has come" Gendo said.


End file.
